Why do narcissists rush to have babies
Let's talk about the best interests of the child
At school age
Thank goodness, the children are getting bigger and at least physically they are no longer in need of protection. They are more skilled and no longer spontaneously run out onto the street.
Now the problem with the toxic-narcissistic child father is shifting more and more to the emotional level.
Many mothers in my Facebook group of Strong Mothers report a very special phenomenon: The children don't get school sandwiches when they have to go to school from their dad's apartment. For example, because he forgot to buy bread in time. In the best case scenario, the child will receive money. "There, buy something from the bakery up front."
In the worst case, it just has nothing with it. "It won't starve to death if it doesn't get school bread in the morning!"
Can happen, you might think. But if it happens all the time, then something else is wrong.
It is more likely that the fact that he has a school-age child has not reached his reality.
As an outsider, one may be surprised - after all, the child has been around for 8 or 9 years - but this impression cannot be dismissed out of hand.
Because the perception of a narcissistic personality revolves only around itself and not around others, responsible planning and foresight (“What does my child needs in the next week?”) Are excluded from the start.
But there is another aspect
Toxic men have a very special one Aspirations. They are always right, always have the best, and of course the perfect children to show off.
The child then has bad cards when it begins to question the father, not to be perfect and talented like the child in the neighborhood, or not look cute at all, so that one can make a state of it with it.
It is not uncommon for children to experience psychological problems in late elementary school age - at 9 or 10 years of age.
The mother has a weight problem? Then he says to the daughter: "Just make sure that you don't get as fat as your mother - no man will want you like that!" (- and certainly not himself arrives as a message to the child).
And when the daughter really does get rounder at 10, he sometimes puts her on a diet himself. Then there is no school bread, just cucumber or tomato to take with you to school.
Or the cake is distributed in the new family: “You only get a small piece so you don't get any bigger”, while the slender half-siblings have their plates fully loaded.
The foundation stone for the vicious circle of an eating disorder has thus been successfully laid.
The daughter may tell her mother about it. Or maybe not. In both cases she stands by helplessly and doesn't know how to help her daughter.
On the attachment behavior of intolerant, toxic fathers
Do you know the saying "starve to death on the outstretched arm“In terms of emotional closeness?
All of us who have been with narcissistic men know this only too well: We wanted intimate closeness that we were denied. The man has for the most part withdrawn emotionally or only showed feelings if he could achieve something with it.
When I ask around the mothers in my group, I am convinced that these men are continuing with their children what we have already experienced with them.
Feeding children or providing them with good food are gestures of love and care.
On the other hand, chastising children, restricting them, giving them mostly poor or no food, are means of putting them in their place.
To control you.
The love that children long for this parent so much is denied.
You are not good enough to receive your narcissistic father's full, unreserved, disinterested love.
Because they are not what he wants them to be. Because he's perfect himself, so the offspring have to be perfect too.
Welcome emotional dependence and everlasting longing and search for love from people who cannot give love.
What can we mothers do there?
Not much - and yet more than you now think.
Of course you have to act if your child doesn't get anything to eat (yes, women in my group report about this too). Children are growing and need proper nourishment. And completely denying children food is a child's welfare risk.
Go to the child protection association and take all necessary measures if your ex does not care at all to meet the basic needs of your child.
But if your ex just drives to McD's and never cooks broccoli, you won't be able to do anything - his dealings, his rules.
Nevertheless, please never forget: You are still the other half in parenting! You're still at least 50%!
The most important thing you can do in your position is to be aware of your child and not to make your love for him conditional.
So be careful how you criticize it yourself. Be sure to describe the disruptive behavior and not criticize the child as a person.
To tell him often "You are good the way you are, my heart!" Or "Just the way you are, you are wonderful!" Or "I don't want to have another child."
If you find that the child continues to slide mentally, find a good child therapist for them. And if necessary, have the ex-signature replaced by the court if he doesn't agree (they never want to).
And of course it is also very pragmatic: You can encourage your older child, for example, to remind the father on Saturday of school lunch for Monday.
You can also consider together what ideas the father could bring up: e.g. freezing bread or rolls so that there is always something in the house in case your ex just doesn't have a plan.
Or if it is sent to the bakery in the morning, you can emphasize the positive thing about this solution: that it can at least choose the bread that it really wants to eat, and not a stupid rye bread.
This perspective also makes it easier for your child.
Yes, they become self-employed earlier, our kids! Depending on the contentiousness and NPS level of our ex, this may not be an option.
What you should definitely avoid
To go full pot into the negative energy spiral and to write an emotional email to the ex about what would occur to him at all, not to give the child any food!
He'll deny it anyway and claim that the child made it up. The next time you talk to the child, he will ask why they told you something in the first place.
Then it will only get worse for everyone.
If you bring the topic up in court, it can also happen to you that you are condemned to educational counseling or mediation, and you know that it will not do anything.
And: Don't let your child notice that you are shocked that the father doesn't get enough to eat.
A child evaluates his own situation primarily through the reactions of the adults.
If you discuss this situation with everyone and everyone beyond pure perception and empathy and increase the pity and drama, then the self-perception for your child worsens enormously. The situation must be really bad when the adults get so upset!
There is something else you can do
Stabilize you first.
Working on yours mental posture.
Free yourself other people's narcissistic, emotional codependency, if you haven't already.
Who else is there who is supposed to love you, but doesn't, and you do everything for that person? Your mother? Your own father? The current lover?
You are the strongest role model for your child, sweetheart. Work on becoming a wonderful star and point of light that it can always use for orientation.
See that it learns from you that love has no conditions.
Treat yourself well by only being with people who treat you well.
Then your child will also become a strong, self-confident adult.
Yes, also with this I-grew-up-with-a-toxic-father-backpack.
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