Are good guys ever loved?

A deep scar - On men's behavior after the breakup

Some show their inevitably real self, others a seemingly undiscovered side: The behavior of men after the separation leaves many women at a loss. Even if you think you know your partner, after a breakup he is no longer himself. This applies not only when it comes to your breakup, but also when it comes to his previous relationships.

We don't want to talk to you today about the behavior of men who were only interested in you physically. And also not about male beings who obviously had fears of attachment or other interpersonal restrictions. This text is about the menwho really love or have loved you. And what it does to them when they have been separated from you or someone before you.

If a man truly loves you, then he has taken you into his heart. And as a rule you stay there too. You may know the book (or the movie) "The Notebook - Like in a Single Day". What is admittedly presented in this story is the true core of a loving man: His great love embraces him and he will not let go of you.

Did he ever love me

So if we want to look at what it does to men when they are separation going through, we should consider three circumstances: after his last relationship, during your relationship, and after your relationship. Let's start with the latter.

A scene that is often described is the one where a man first goes to party after a breakup and may not be alone for long. After a short while he calls you, maybe even cries, and has probably had a drink too. If some time has passed, he wants you back, and with all his might. This may leave you and many women at a loss.

You might first ask yourself: Did I mean nothing to him? And then: should I do this for him now forgive everything? If he's been around people so easily again, why does it only occur to him now that he likes me after all? And just then, when the healing process starts with you, it strikes him and he promises you to change and yet make everything worse. In the end, you're just annoyed.

The three stages of a man's separation

This is just one scenario, but admittedly one that happens quite often and you may also know it. Most likely he is going through one of the three phases of separation of the man: At the beginning there is this Negation.

He feels freed from the stress of an ending relationship with you and at the same time notices that the situation is completely overwhelmed. He is fooling himself and you, only that you will hardly be able to see it.

To you, it may either feel like he never loved you or you were totally wrong about him.

But the man cannot run away from the pain of separation, he also catches up with him again and again. This happens in the second phase, where he contacts you for the first time and does not know whether he wants to admit his love or continue to pretend that he doesn't need you at all. This is also the phase in which you might still be working on your separation doubt, but he admittedly does everything to confirm you in it.

In the third phase of separation the man has fully acknowledged the pain of separation and will probably want you back at all costs. Some men are already very prudent here, others just don't want to accept. The fact is: at this point, most women are long past a possible return, you have very likely already separated from him emotionally.

The fear of fainting after separation

With all of this, there is one thing you should consider: The thought that “man” does not have it in his own hands unbearable. We humans want to explain everything to ourselves and to be able to influence everything. The impotence that you may have had reasons for which he may not be able to do anything is negated and fought.

It is precisely this fact that your allegedly so loving partner has no understanding for you and your emotions, often seals the permanent break for many women.

Although most people break up for reasons of their own, many, including you, assume that it must have been them.

In the case of men, there is also often one from him expected social behavior will always be "master" of the situation to have yourself and your emotions under control. Letting you out of his heart can mean defeat in front of him and in front of society.

He couldn't hold you, he failed. And for other women it is supposedly the signal: "This man is not worth it.

Can't everyone do it?

That's why you should be careful when a man is straight out of a deep separation comes. He is looking for confirmation in you. If that's okay with you, then act consciously on it. But don't think you can ever beat his love for his ex. Only he can do that himself.

When he realizes that breaking up with his ex is a triumph, only then can he truly love you. Otherwise there is always someone sitting in front of you throne and there is nothing you can do about it.

Many believe that after a while and with a new perspective, every woman manages to convince her husband that in the end he is only interested in her. But there is a good reason why you may have caught yourself feeling uncomfortable sometimes when he suddenly talks about his ex-girlfriend.

Should you have the feeling: "Wait a minute, he still feels something!“Well, then you might not be completely wrong.

The competition of love

There are two beautiful scenes. A partner was betrayed.

If she cheated on him, he asks: Did you sleep with him?

If he cheated on her, she asks: Did you love her

Women know very well that their real competition is love for another woman. Conversely, you may also know this, if you actually only have a certain Desire for a man have, but notice that he has feelings and therefore breaks it off.

So although men are often said to be superficial, that may be true of their nighttime behavior, but certainly not of their love. If a man comes out of a relationship, then he very likely still has feelings for himself Ex-partner.

If you are in a relationship with him, it is almost impossible for him to have feelings for you alone. If you break up with him, you can be certain - no matter how he may convince you otherwise with his behavior - that you will stay with him for a long time to come.

What to do in the separation phases

The pain of separation goes into a man's deepest ramifications of his emotionality. Now we could stop there and you might be pretty hopeless. If what we say is true, you can actually never really conquer a man, he will never entirely be yours and to top it all off you will never get rid of him when in doubt.

But, as is so often the case, the reverse is true: through the knowledge, you even manage to act correctly.

The best way to start is by admitting to yourself that the separation and the Mourn are a man's thing with himself. You should neither take it personally nor make it your mission to be able to actively influence something.

Often times a man doesn't just nibble on a breakup. With the readiness for you, he has set out to embark on the process of healing - maybe even especially for you.

Part of his story

The more you now ask him to accelerate this, you may achieve the opposite.

For many men, parting with a love means being part of it identity and give up its history. You may not feel good about it. That's ok, honestly. But please be aware that you will sometimes push him away if you cannot accept him with all his quirks - and his breakups are part of it.

Of course, as so often, it helps if you can talk about it openly. The second you understand that his ex-girlfriend is not your competitor but part of his biography, you can go through the healing process together.

Imagine that two dialogues in front:

“I have the feeling that you are still very attached to your ex! That hurts me! I thought you only loved me and that the subject with her would be over! What was so great about her that I can't offer? Was it the sex? Did you have more in common? Am I not there for you often enough? Sometimes I honestly believe I can do what I want! "

“Let's not kid ourselves: I know that there were other women before me. I know that you sincerely loved one or the other and that you certainly did not voluntarily part with everyone. I just want to know one thing from you: Do you mean me honestly, do you love me? Then let me tell you: If that's the case, I'll be there for you and we're happy to talk openly about your past! "

All mourning aside, there is one thing to be recognized: A man gets something from you that his former partner could never or never wanted to give him.

Often times he can only love you and be a good partner because he knows his own wounds and emerges stronger from them. A man who is supposed to part with his past is doomed to keep repeating his past mistakes - and thus in the relationship with you too.

Shared separation pain is half separation pain

It is part of the art of man to suppress and to gloss over the past. A man who is open with his separation phases and his Separation pain handles, he can also recognize what is important in the relationship. If you find that you are absolutely not taking his throne, then draw your conclusions and do not take it personally.

Many women like to try to suppress the topic of ex and remain silent about it, signaling a feeling of discomfort. But especially when a man can discuss his separation mistakes with you, then a real bond can develop between you.

You may also be stipulating that he take time for himself or with you before you're ready for a deeper relationship. In no case is it important to us that you should relentlessly expose yourself to his feelings.

A partner he can love

You can recognize him by his behavior. If not immediately after the first couple of dates, of course, if things get more serious, you should talk openly about it.

In the case of a breakup, it also helps to be aware of what that does to him. "The first cut is the deepest" - the first pain of separation is the worst, as Cat Stevens aptly remarked.

This is often a phase that is completely overwhelming for the man. Yes, and it can happen that you don't recognize him. He can do or say particularly hurtful, embarrassing, or stupid things. Maybe he's doing something that motivates you to get back together with him - and end up in the same dead end after a while. But that's an issue for another time.

The fact is: The man's coping behavior after the breakup also has an immediate impact on you. If you want to help him do this, talk to him about it openly and invitingly. If it's bothering you, be consistent.

But above all, do not take it personally at any time, rather see it as part of his biography and his task to face the regrets and to overcome the pain of separation for himself. Then you are him a real partner, possibly the only one he can ever truly and surely love.

About the author

Simone Sauter - lovesick coach

Simone is a lovesickness & self-love coach, Amazon bestselling author and writes the largest German-language lovesickness blog From Pain To Power with over 85,000 monthly readers. She specializes in helping women to transform the pain of their lovesickness into powerful energy and thus to let go of their ex-partner, to learn to love themselves and to find the perfect partner on this basis. Her calling arose from her personal story. Before working as a lovesick & self-love coach, she worked for several years as a PR & social media manager for the world's largest online dating site, and during this time already dealt intensively with the topic of partnership.