My friend uses online dating sites

Berlin / Kröv -

There's love about dating apps. Tinder, OkCupid, Parship and Co. connect people, also permanently. But dating about it has its own dynamic. Many are quickly disappointed, but still carry on - and gradually become part of the system. Single coaches analyze four common online dating patterns and how to break them:

Experience 1: A match doesn’t mean any interest

Two people seem to like each other online because they match. But both never report to each other. That frustrates quite a few seekers. Tinder has determined that in 2018, German users asked their counterparts, "Whoever matches last, writes first", was in the top 3 of the most frequently used terms in the profile. So you lean back and wait for the initiative of others, even though you are actually actively searching.

How can that be?

"Dating apps are a bit of entertainment and leisure and primarily not the search for a partner for life," says Eric Hegmann, single coach and consultant for the dating platform Parship. He refers to studies that show that many Tinder members are taken or not looking for a relationship - "no wonder that no date comes out," said the coach. "I suspect that many people are currently using the fast dating apps to get a dopamine boost, a little caress of the ego."

Dating coach Nadine Kretz from Kröv (Rhineland-Palatinate) suspects that there is often simply not enough time to stay on the ball in the stress and flood of information in everyday life. Especially women who still have the traditional understanding that the man has to show his binding interest to a certain extent tend to wait, adds Hegmann. “That turns out to be a fallacy in a lot of cases.” So the courageous women simply snatch away many men. And those who get in touch at some point do so less out of real interest, but because they know that they are flattering a woman.

The Expert Council:

You should always be active yourself and make contact - regardless of whether you are a man or a woman. You should also be brave enough to start a real conversation. The OkCupid platform gives tips on how to get in touch and explicitly advises: “Don't just write 'Hey'. You have to put in a little more effort. ”At the same time, you shouldn't pour your whole heart out straight away.

40 to 90 characters, shorter than a tweet, is a good start. The best thing to do is to mention something that caught your eye in the profile text or photo.

Experience 2: swipe burnout

At some point the disillusionment sets in. You wipe yourself through the potential life partner until at some point the images and information merge into a boring consonance.

How do you maintain enthusiasm for the search?

“Online dating with breaks. Sometimes you just have to take a step back, ”says Hegmann. Otherwise you keep repeating a previously unsuccessful strategy and hope that it will suddenly become successful.

However, these breaks are often surprisingly difficult. “Remember, our reward center in the brain is a powerful thing. If you get it used to the fact that it reacts with feelings of happiness to likes or a match, then it is of course difficult at some point to give up these highs, ”explains the coach.

The Expert Council:

Try something new or different in between, ”says Hegmann.

Experience 3: Another job interview

Many contacts lead to many dates, maybe even several per week. And at every meeting you basically tell or hear the same thing - what you do for a living, why you live here, how long you've been single. An endless consonance.

How can you keep your interest there?

“The first date is incredibly overloaded. Many people are also looking for love at first sight - and in almost all cases that is sexual attraction, a Disney story or a fairy tale, ”says Hegmann. But if this does not come about directly, one often gives the other person a lost. Maybe during the date.

Then there is the location: a conversation in a café inevitably reminds you of a job interview, Hegemann thinks. And maybe there's a lot of alcohol in the bar too. “Then you think to yourself: It was somehow unsuccessful, but sex would still be nice now. And then of course it goes wrong. "

The Expert Council:

Hegmann recommends: “It's better to just go on one date and get yourself to go on a second one after the first date if the person was likeable. Look what happens when you meet this person for the second time: does something change in your perception? "

On your first date, do something that you think is great yourself. "Because your enthusiasm for the cause will sweep your date away, at least if you have the same values ​​and are sympathetic." And if something like that is not an option: "Be sure to go out on the first date, take a walk," says Hegmann.

Kretz emphasizes that you should always show interest and respect for the other, but without tormenting yourself. This also applies to the time and length of the date: "You shouldn't plan just a lunch break, but it doesn't have to be the whole day or a whole Saturday or Sunday evening, which might be nicer at a meeting with friends."

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Experience 4: You want to scare off the wrong people

Those who have had a certain number of dates would like to be more picky. But you also notice: Many profiles say nothing about people. Many seekers compensate for this with a different strategy: They state in their profile what exactly they are not looking for - sometimes with a long list of exclusion criteria.

Does this strategy make sense?

Hegmann considers the specification of certain exclusion criteria to be reasonable. "It is well-intentioned, because people try to protect themselves from further injuries with it." But he qualifies: "Basically, however, I do not believe that sympathy arises by appearing negatively." This conveys a negative character impression. Hegmann says clearly: "We fall in love with people who appear friendly and open to us."

The Expert Council:

It is better to tell something about yourself in order to attract the right seekers. "So don't just list what you want from the other or what he should be," explains Retz. “The other person wants to know who is there.” But if you don't want a permanent partnership, you should of course name this exclusion information in fairness.

Conversely, of course, you also have to read the profile of the other person - which, by the way, basically many do not. But that protects against false hopes. "Expectations of a partnership that are really essential, such as the desire to have children, cannot be ignored," emphasizes Kretz. “Many also write that they only want one-night stands.” Anyone who ignores that and is looking for a partnership will inevitably be disappointed. (dpa / tmn)