Choosing to be offended
Dealing with hurts: How to stay able to act
It is important, Process offenses to be able to. People are offended for a wide variety of reasons and in our daily dealings with each other we repeatedly come across completely different characters. Each of them has its own story and carries its own package. As an outsider, you do not know this, but you (perhaps unconsciously) will not be much different. The only problem is: Anyone who insults themselves into their snail shell excludes themselves. You deprive yourself of the ability to create situations. You alone decide whether you let something in or not and how you deal with it. Those who can deal with hurts are much more capable of acting. How this can work ...
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Processing offense: Importance of offense
What is an offense? Offended means that someone hurts another person's feelings or self-esteem. The person hit takes something personally and reacts “sniffly”. Anyone who is offended feels deeply hit, feels what has happened as a rejection of himself.
Often times it triggers a feeling of helplessness and bewilderment. Those who have been offended feel fear, pain, shame and anger. Actually, these feelings are one Signal to our brainthat a limit has been reached. However, instead of seeing them for what they are and accepting them, most people try to push these uncomfortable emotions away.
The other person is perceived as inconsiderate and brutal. Those who are offended in this way do not always manage to come to terms with their offenses. Instead, he responds by withdrawing, being offended, indignant, feeling small, or seeks revenge.
These reactions have one too Protective function: Because initially the injured person can feel like a victim who has been wronged. He is thus in the supposedly morally superior position in relation to the other, the guilty party, the perpetrator.
The term insult has many synonyms, for example:
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Dealing with hurts: Particularly critical in the workplace
Imagine the following situation: Your friend raves about a business in the highest terms. This business is emerging in your mind's eye. When you see the business in person for the first time, it holds up Your enthusiasm within limits. The friend asks expectantly, you answer honestly that you had imagined something else. The girlfriend is offended.
What happened? A Melange of directness, lack of empathy and easily ill. In order for it to come to this, two parties have to take action. One side that offends and the other party that lets itself be offended. The offending side doesn't always want to hurt the other for a long time.
Often the offended party is unaware of its own sensitivity. So if both parties are one different feeling have for what they see as an offense and what not, then conflicts are foreseeable.
Slights in the partnership or friendship can be the Sustainably burden the relationship. It is no different in the workplace: Assuming that you have really tried to give a presentation, but then your supervisor comes up to you and tells you that he thinks elementary things are missing.
It is understandable that many see such a situation as an attack on themselves. The expectation was praise and recognition, an appreciative comment. Instead, criticism (which is often presented clumsily, even if it is justified), which is perceived as humiliation.
Insults affect self-esteem
Why are we so affected when we are hurt? Anyone who has invested blood, sweat and tears in their work, possibly defined by it, will feel particularly offended. The Competence is in question, the offended one withdraws.
But not everyone gets hurt in the same way, some people have a "thick skin", as the saying goes. Insults shake self-esteem and make us doubt ourselves. We become insecure. It is different for people with strong self-confidence and a solid sense of self-worth.
They do not constantly question themselves, they rest in themselves, they know their abilities. You are not so easily injured. Nevertheless, everyone has their sensitivities, even if they are Characteristics different are. It becomes difficult when someone actually wants to hurt the other - the boundaries to bullying are then fluid.
The critical thing is: While you can still break off contact in the event of severe insults from a friend or neighbor, you usually don't just change jobs. But that would also be the wrong waybecause then you would indulge in feeling offended. There are enough reasons to be offended in working life, for example:
- The colleague has been promoted.
- Another got a raise.
- The boss pays too little attention to you / pays more attention to others.
- The new colleague has more decision-making powers.
That can become an endless spiralwhen someone feels constantly attacked personally. It has a lasting effect on the working atmosphere and can endanger collaboration in teams. The same applies to superiors with inferiority complexes who play to their power:
Such behavior can endanger the working atmosphere and, in the worst case, lead to the loss of skilled workers. It is therefore important to deal with hurts and to be able to deal with your own shortcomings.
It's a question of social skills. Especially when self-confidence and assertiveness are low, people tend to be offended.
Processing offense: The cause of offense
One could naively think that the cause of an offense lies in what the other person has just said or done. But that's only half the story. In reality hurts are often much deeper.
In order to be able to perceive something as an offense, it depends on the situation, the people and the individual sensitivity. Most of the time, you quickly feel offended when someone approaches a old topic that has not been processed. The more important the person or the situation is to you, the easier it is to get hurt.
In summary, there are the following points that favor offenses:
- There is an unresolved issue, a sore point.
- The blame for their own experience is assigned to other people.
- Responsibility for one's own feelings is rejected.
- Often things are taken personally.
Why do many people hold on to insults? Sometimes we don't know how to deal with offenses, sometimes the focus is mainly on the fear that the other person is in the foreground repeats his offending behaviorwhen we forgive “just like that”.
The offended one but this is a fallacy on: The other will always decide for himself how to behave towards him. Not to mention the fact that we have to say it if we want to change something specifically. After all, others cannot read minds.
There is a big misunderstanding around the term forgive that many people think that it signals consent. Instead, the point is that the offended one gets it in the first place decides for the sake of yourself.
Processing emotional injuries: tips on how to overcome hurts
Depending on how deeply you are emotionally involved, you should take a little time before you speak to your interlocutor about an event in order to clarify it. It's good sometimes Letting things sink in. The moment we feel that we have been treated unfairly, it is difficult to come to terms with clear thoughts.
Often you develop tunnel vision, you just see one aspect. So it can make sense to sleep over it for a night and look at things from a distance. Those who feel attacked tend to shoot back immediately.
In order to deal with an insult, it can be useful to do something instead at the factual level to consider: Perhaps the criticism presented is justified? We have the following tips for you:
Of course, you should be able to give what you ask of others. Did you find the approach of your interlocutor not very considerate, but rather insulting, degrading? He or she has evidently not put themselves in your position and thought beforehand how what you said might be received. Do better. This doesn't just affect your choice of words for replies. Think in advance how something could be meant. Likewise, consider that you weren't meant to be personally: sometimes people project something onto others based on their own experiences. Or they are stressed and become careless. Perhaps his reply was already a “retreat” for something you said: Perhaps he is very sensitive? Or is he always aggressive and condescending towards others? Some people are actually very good at handing out, but bad at taking.
It's the old sender-receiver dilemma: Not everyone is rhetorically gifted or particularly well-versed in getting their message across. Sometimes someone simply gets caught up in the tone, chooses the wrong word, or puts it inaccurately. There doesn't always have to be a bad intention behind this, just a lack of talent. So first of all, if you want to come to terms with your hurt, you can remind yourself of precisely these circumstances. Second: Do you take it as an opportunity to ask the person you are talking to how he or she meant the matter? Ask him or her to be more specific about what has been said, to explain it using an example from the recent past.
A best practice in processing problems is to write them down. The writing down of thoughts helps to better deal with them, to be able to formulate them clearly first. How do i feel Why do i feel this way? By making notes you can actively deal with your hurt, because it is often the case that what we write down is out of our heads. We make room for new, positive thoughts. You avoid such a carousel of thoughts and give yourself the opportunity not to overestimate the whole thing, but to forget and conclude with it.
Simply blurting out something without checking is not the best way. Of course, you have a right to tell your counterpart how you are doing with it. The trick is to pack it appropriately. So instead of immediately giving the buck to your interlocutor, you formulate I-messages: "I have understood this and that, I feel so ... I wish you would behave like this ..." If you don't do that, however, there is the risk of the conflict escalating.
"You're completely incapable!" Perhaps something like that was thrown at you by a colleague in a fit of anger. Make it clear to yourself that this is his personal opinion is - no more and no less. But with that he did not rent the truth. This statement is completely destructive and is not guaranteed to be accurate. So it is up to you whether you allow this insult to touch you and agree to its content or not. It is important to separate between the personal opinions of individuals and actually verifiable claims. Furthermore, you should check whether the occasion and the person is worth re-opening the matter at all or whether you do not want to use the tried and tested "sponge-over-it" method.
Take a closer look at who the person who offended you is. What is your relationship to her? Is that someone you want to keep in touch with? Or maybe just an unpopular colleague from the neighboring department, whom you will see at most at the next Christmas party anyway? Someone you otherwise appreciate and with whom you may even have to keep in touch professionally should be worthwhile to you to deal with old conflicts, but then also to bury them. Everyone has a bad day or makes mistakes. Be generous, forgive these.
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