Cuddling naked is deceiving

Why it is okay for my partner to sleep with others

When I meet Maria, 28, and Jan, 30, I am always fascinated. There is hardly a couple in my circle of friends who, even after four years of relationship, still look at each other so in love, cannot keep their hands off each other and harmonize so well. I meet them today in our local pub and find out in detail about their personal recipe for success.

Before Maria met Jan, she had two stable relationships. One lasted two years and she was also with her ex-boyfriend for almost a year and a half. This relationship broke up because Maria feared at the time that she no longer had sufficient feelings for him. “Today I can no longer say exactly whether it was really the feelings that became less. In any case, my interest in other men grew bigger. ”She had never cheated on him, but shortly before that she had been several times. “There are just those situations in which you get to know someone who you like optically. And then you ask yourself what it would be like to kiss him or even sleep with him. ”The very fact that she had eyes for other men at all unsettled Maria very much. She had always believed that something like this wouldn't happen if the relationship was fulfilling enough. And then she met Jan.

The longing for new stimuli

“The first two years went well. So I was all the more surprised and hurt when Maria came around the corner with her suggestion, ”Jan admits today. Maria was happy too and sex with Jan was always wonderful. But at some point, she explains, an interest reappeared in her. Very slowly, but more and more intensely. “I loved Jan very much and for me he was still the man I wanted to be with. But when I was hit on more and more often when I was out with my friends in the evening or I noticed someone, I would have liked to have let myself in. Not because I was looking for a new partner. I felt the stimulus for something new and wanted sexual variety. "

In her first impulse, she tried to figure out what was missing. Didn't she love Jan enough? Was it the sex, which was still familiar and good, but also somehow ordinary and unexciting? Or was she not able to have a long-term relationship at all?

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Matthias Jasper, couple therapist with locations in Cologne and Wächtersbach, explains: “After a long relationship, it can happen that the motivation increases after liveliness and adventure. Especially when the relationship is particularly close, one of them may perceive the other as boring and would like to develop further, although the feelings for one another must not have waned. "

Jan belongs to my heart, but I also want to have sex with others.


The situation reminded Maria of her past. A separation was out of the question for them, and anyway not to cheat on him. “The more I thought about my desires, the clearer it became to me what I needed: Jan belongs to my heart, but I also want to have sex with others.” Without endangering her relationship with him, she still dreamed of developing sexually. For Maria it was an incredibly exciting idea to sleep with a stranger and to be desired by someone who was not her boyfriend. "The appeal for something new and the deep desire for excitement grew bigger and bigger."

Desire overcomes jealousy

Maria confessed her wishes to Jan. She knew that this would hurt him and that he would feel rejected. On the other hand, she also knew what would happen if Jan accepted her suggestion: not only would she sleep with other men, he would also have fun with other women. Although the thought hurt at first, she had to weigh up which feeling was stronger: her desire or the jealousy?

How could I ever bear her jumping into the box with someone else?


Maria asked Jan to give it a try. If it wasn't for him at all, they could think again. “Of course I was very hurt and didn't even want to imagine that this could be something for me. For me, Maria was and still is the most beautiful woman of all. I noticed other attractive women even then, but I was never interested in them. And how could I ever endure her jumping into the box with someone else? Back then a real horror thought. "

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At first Jan even thought briefly about separating from Maria. "My first thought was that I would rather be separated from her than have to share her." But then - and he jumped over this shadow only for her - shortly afterwards he gave her a free ticket, so to speak. That's what he still called him back then. “She was allowed once and I was allowed once.” Jan hoped that Maria's desire for new stimuli would first be satisfied. And one time, he decided, he could somehow cope with it, as long as he was using this free ticket for himself.

Therapist Jasper says: “With his initial skepticism, Jan would have put himself in great danger if he hadn't taken the free ticket for himself. It could easily have happened here that he would have allowed Maria to give in to her desires and then fell into a great hole of jealousy. With a subsequent breach of trust. "

The first time

Everyone planned their first free ticket for themselves. Jan arranged to meet his buddies on a Saturday for the usual bar hopping. And Maria also moved around the houses with her two roommates. “My buddies were pretty jealous and said I had hit the jackpot. Great woman at home, but I can still jump into another bed. I knew that Maria was also out that evening and tried to completely ignore the idea that she would someday be in the arms of another man. Surprisingly, I also succeeded. "

She was pretty. And was good at kissing.


To date, Jan and Maria have not spoken in detail about this first time. They generally avoid details, I should find out the reason for this later. “I saw this girl with blond curls standing at the bar and immediately thought she was totally sexy. Before that, of course, I also noticed beautiful women, but I never thought a step further. Now that I was allowed to, I spoke to her. ”They flirted, drank beer and sambuca and got on well.

When the girl kissed Jan at some point, it felt strange at first. “It was nice, but I automatically felt guilty for a moment. She was the first woman I got close to in two years. And she wasn't my steadfast friend. ”But above all: Jan didn't care about the girl. Although he found her nice and sexy, getting to know each other was on a whole different level. It wasn't about whether she had potential party-friend qualities or was single, but simply about the fact that she was pretty. And could kiss well.

"Only Maria sleeps in my bed"

Jan went to her. Although it was not discussed beforehand, it was clear that he would not take her to his bed with him. In it he slept with Maria. And only with her. She had come as far that evening now. And it was also clear to her that her drawing was not allowed to come to her. Today she says: “I really liked the look of the guy. Although you of course also talk and get to know each other a bit, his character was completely irrelevant. I wanted to sleep with him because he was hot. ”Jan and Maria describe their first sex as“ good, but a little awkward ”. Mainly because it was the first time, but also because they wanted it and it had to happen. They both wanted to test whether they could also imagine that in the future.

No cuddling after sex

They both went home after sex. And both felt fine. Jan: “That was a classic one-night stand. No feelings, no subsequent cell phone number, pure sex with a stranger. ”He explains his initial doubts as follows:“ I know Maria and know how passionate, but also how loving and tender she can be. When we sleep together, we treat each other differently, we love each other in every form. ”Jan feared that Maria would sleep with a stranger as she does with him.

I didn't want that kind of closeness with the guy.


But his first time opened his eyes. Jan remarked: These are two different things that he separated that night. There is sex with feeling that he has with Maria. And sex without feeling that he had with the stranger. Both beautiful, but both completely different and incomparable. It was also important for Jan that the feelings for Maria did not change. Maria describes her feelings similarly. It was also clear to them that they would not fall asleep cuddled up afterwards. “Although I was of course dog tired, I really wanted to go home. I didn't want this other form of closeness, like the one I get through cuddling, with the guy. ”She got that with Jan.

Maria and Jan both slept in their own beds that night. This is still the case today after such evenings.

The day after

When they saw each other the next evening, they were both a little nervous, but full of anticipation. "I still remember how we fell into each other's arms and kept telling each other how much we love each other," says Maria with a smile and kisses Jan. Both of them needed that to confirm right from the start that this night had nothing to do with their feelings had changed for each other. As they lay on the sofa and told each other about their evening, both tried to avoid the details at first. But they were dying to find out how the other had felt about the night. Not knowing exactly what had happened, but what feelings they had the next day.

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Jan took the first step. “It was exciting, new and beautiful in a very special way.” But above all: “I felt again how much I love Maria. I never doubted it, but I realized again how wonderful the closeness and familiarity with Maria is. How exciting the unknown can be with a stranger, but how much I like to lie in Maria's arms, how I can fully engage with us and at the same time also feel free. ”From that point on, Jan and Maria decided to go with them in the future to sleep others.

What must be given for this form of relationship

How is it possible that two people who love each other so much are not gripped by pure jealousy? Jasper says:

“My experience shows that at least 80 percent of the partners who cheat are not about classic jealousy, but rather a fear underlying this feeling - the fear of being abandoned. Most of the time, this feeling of fear begins when the relationship feels threatened. ”Often times this is not clear to the individual and he speaks of jealousy. But when it starts to feel like a threat depends on which limits have been drawn. Each couple has to define it for themselves. "In a partnership there should be its own protection circle of intimacy, where the boundaries can be different."

Our love is inviolable.


Maria and Jan have defined their own circle of protection for themselves. She explains: “That we love each other is the basic requirement. Our love is inviolable. ”But conversations are indispensable for this. Jan says: “We probably talk more about our feelings for each other than other couples. But in this way we never question our love, on the contrary: We feel even more secure. ”Above all, she would not perceive anyone as a threat. Jasper is also sure that communication is particularly necessary with this relationship model. There are no fixed standards for how a partnership works. But it has to be spoken. That is why it is also wise that rules are drawn up. Jan and Maria have them too.

No contact details and no details

Both know that they are particularly at risk of developing feelings for someone else. Therefore, no contact details may be exchanged. Sex yes, see you again no. They made the promise. However, should it ever happen, the two of them have a solution. Jan says: “We vowed that we would tell each other immediately if feelings should develop. Whichever way we deal with it then, we have to talk about it. And not just a week later, but immediately. ”But that has not happened yet.

The second rule: details from the night are not told. And, surprisingly, that's not because these details could hurt one of the two. Maria explains: “We live in a partnership, but above all we want to coexist sexually and not just with each other. Everyone lives their own sexual freedom. We discuss in detail what we do with each other or what wishes we have. Everything Jan does without me is only his business. In my opinion, this is also part of the freedom we give ourselves. ”For Maria and Jan, their sexuality is part of every individual.

Jasper says: “In many partnerships, sexuality is seen as something in common and as an integral part that is experienced together. By being separated in this case, the relationship model can also work and there is no jealousy. "

A definition of their own for their intimacy

In two years, both of them have slept with five others. I am surprised that there are no more. Jan explains: “It's not like we go out and say, like that, today I'm going to drag someone away. Rather, it is about the situations in which you meet someone that you are sexually attracted to. And you don't have to close yourself off from it, even in spite of your relationship. But these encounters are not part of a normal Saturday either. ”When Maria and Jan go out together, they make it aware and enjoy being a couple.

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Maria is convinced that although people need solid partnerships, it is sexually difficult to bond with just one person in the long term. The expert explains: “It is evolutionary that beings are essentially polygamous. Even earlier, the chances of survival in a herd were better. But we are also socialized monogamous. Their relationship model works for Jan and Maria because despite polygamy they have set their limits. They live in a partnership, talk about feelings and their needs. They do not feel threatened because they protect their relationship with rules, for example. "

Something purely physical

Although Jan initially had more difficulties with the performance alone, he is much more relaxed today: “It's mostly the fantasy that hurts.” At the beginning he imagined that Maria would sleep with someone like she did with him do. Full of passion, full of emotions. “But above all I thought of this feeling, of your heart and your love. But she only has this feeling for me, just like I have for her. "

When Jan sleeps with a stranger, it's not about closeness and feelings. It is exclusively sexual desire. “There is something purely physical about seeing other people naked and touching them,” explains Maria. That's exactly where many couples fail, says Jasper. “The physical can be enough to make you feel jealous. In theory, the idea that your partner sleeps with someone else is perhaps bearable and even doing it yourself is appealing. In practice, this is often followed by a rude awakening: The relationship feels threatened, the fear of being abandoned increases. ”Separating sexuality from the partnership and finding a new definition of the protection circle could counteract this.

Maria and Jan don't compare the sex they have with each other to what they have with strangers. "We are very lucky that we can enjoy both: familiar sex with a lot of love and closeness and the great unknown that can be wonderful in its own way."