How can I make friends with a shy INFJ

INTJ - Architect - (MBTI)

It's lonely at the top. People of the MBTI Architectural Personality Type (INTJ) know this all too well. They are comparatively rare and have the most pronounced strategic skills. Architects make up only two percent of the population and women are particularly rare among them at 0.8%. With their unyielding intellect, architects maneuver their way through life as if it were a game of chess. Often times it is difficult for them to find people of the same nature who can keep up with this. People with the architect's personality type are imaginative and decisive at the same time, ambitious and private, and amazingly curious at the same time, but they never waste their energy.

If you have the right attitude, you will achieve your goal

Architects own one natural thirst for knowledge and are often seen as “bookworms” even in their childhood. Even if other people want to mock them with that word, they are more likely to be proud of the labelbecause she is her comprehensive and well-founded spectrum of knowledge reflected. Architects trust their expertise to be mastered and are happy to share it. They enjoy creating and executing brilliant plans in their field, but they have no interest in engaging in gossip or expressing opinions on trivialities.

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You have no right to your opinion. You have a right to your informed opinion. Nobody is entitled to ignorance.Harlan Ellison

Architects are a paradox to most observers, as they are are able to live by blatant contradictions that still make sense, at least from a purely rational perspective. Architects can be idealistic do-gooders and bitter cynics at the same time - a seemingly insoluble conflict. Architects tend to do that Believing that with effort, intelligence, and deliberation, no goal is too high, but at the same time believing that people are too lazy, myopic, or selfishto achieve these lofty goals. However, a cynical look at reality will not prevent a committed architect from achieving a goal pursued.

Never wavering or giving way on fundamental issues

Architects exude self-confidence and have an aura of mystery. Their deep insight, their original ideas and their impressive logic enable them to bring about change with sheer willpower and personal charisma. Architects sometimes tend to to deconstruct and rebuild every idea and every system with which they come into contact, being a Penchant for perfectionism and even moral considerations play a role. Those who do not have the talent to keep up with architects' efforts, or worse, fail to understand their purpose, are likely to lose their respect immediately and permanently.Rules, restrictions and traditions are anathema to the architect. Everything must be questionable. Architects will often look for a way to idiosyncratically implement their technically superior, sometimes tactless and almost always unorthodox methods and ideas.

This tendency should not misunderstood as impulsive behavior become. Architects will be make an effort to remain rationalno matter how attractive the end goal may be. Every idea that you develop yourself or adopt from others must answer the ruthless and omnipresent question: "Will that work?”. The question of feasibility has always been crucial for every kind of problem and solution, and this is where the difficulties begin for the architect's personality type.

You think more when you are alone

Architects confidently master the spectrum of knowledge that they have acquired over a long period of time, but are less master of social interaction. By their very nature, architects seek hard facts and thorough understanding. you find small purposeful lies and chatter irritating, and sometimes go so far in society to punish common behavior with contempt. Ironically, it's best for them to stay where they're most comfortable - out of the spotlight. There, their ingenuity and professional competence will serve as a beacon that will attract work colleagues or life partners with similar temperaments and interests.

Architects tend to treat the world as if it were a giant chess board. They move chess pieces wisely, design new tactics, strategies and contingency plans, and outmaneuver their opponents in order to maintain control of a situation and at the same time to increase their own freedom of movement. This is not intended to mean that architects act unscrupulously, but for members of other personality types, architects' aversion to emotional action can create this impression. This reluctance explains why many fictional villains (and misunderstood heroes) are modeled after this personality type.


  • Fast, resourceful and strategic mind - Architects take pride in their thoughts and take every opportunity to improve their knowledge. This shows in the strength and flexibility of their strategic thinking. Insatiable curious and always ready for an intellectual challenge, architects can look at things from different perspectives. Architects don't use their creativity and imagination so much for art, but rather for planning eventualities and options for action for all possible scenarios.
  • High confidence A.Most of all, architects trust their rationalism, and when they come to a result they have no reason to doubt their results. This creates an honest, direct style of communication that is not hindered by perceived social roles or expectations. If architects are right, they are right, and nothing in politics or action will change that fact - whether it is a person, a process, or correcting themselves, they would have no other option.
  • Independent and decisive - This creativity, logic and confidence together form individuals who stand for themselves and take responsibility for their own actions. Government officials do not impress architects, nor do social conventions or traditions. No matter how popular something is. When they have a better idea, architects will go up against anyone who has to change something. Either an idea is the most reasonable or it is wrong, and the architects will apply this to both their arguments and their own behavior, remaining calm and aloof from these sometimes emotionally charged conflicts. Architects are only influenced by those who follow this example.
  • Diligent and determined - If something arouses their interest, architects can work for hours and concentrate on an idea. Architects are incredibly efficient, and when tasks meet the criteria to achieve a goal, they will find a way to consolidate and execute those tasks. However, this drive for efficiency can also lead to a kind of complicated laziness, where architects ignore or avoid what seems irrelevant to them.
  • Open minded - All this rationalism leads to a very intellectually open-minded personality type, as architects remain open to new ideas that are supported by logic, even if (and sometimes especially) they contradict the previous ideas of architects.
  • All-rounder - The architects' openness, determination, independence, confidence and strategic skills create people who are able to do everything they set out to do. The architects are able to analyze whatever life throws in their direction and are able to reverse engineer the underlying methodology of almost any system and apply the concepts that are exposed wherever it is needed. Architects can choose between different professions, from IT system designers to political thought leaders.


  • Arrogant - Architects are perfectly capable of taking their self-confidence too far, mistakenly believing that they have solved all the relevant issues on a matter, and ignoring the opinions of those who they believe are intellectually inferior. Combined with their disrespect for social conventions, architects can be brutally insensitive to making their point of view clear to others.
  • Judgmental - Architects tend to have complete confidence in their thought process, because rational arguments are - at least theoretically - almost by definition correct. In practice, emotional considerations and history are hugely influential, and one weak point for architects is that they consider these factors and those that they consider illogical, reject them and regard their proponents as somewhat simpler thinkers.
  • Overly analytical - A recurring theme among architects is their analytical strength, but this strength can become painful when logic does not rule - for example in interpersonal relationships. If you expect your critical mind and neurotic level of perfectionism to appear in your fellow human beings, you will probably have to keep everyone except your best friends at a distance.
  • Avoid highly structured environments - Blindly following precedents and rules without understanding them is uncomfortable for architects, and they despise even more authority figures who blindly observe these laws and rules without understanding their intention. Anyone who prefers the status quo for their own reasons, or who prioritizes stability and security over self-determination, is likely to clash with the personality types of architects. This aversion applies equally to land law or simple social conventions, which often make life more difficult than it needs to be.
  • Clueless in romance - This antipathy to rules and the tendency to over-analyze and judge, even to be arrogant, leads to a personality type that is often clueless about romantic matters. A new relationship can take as long as architects can fully analyze their potential partners' thinking power and behaviors. This can be a challenge. If you try your hand at the ways architects know best, it can only get worse. Unfortunately, it's common for them to just give up looking. Ironically, they do when they are at their best and most likely to attract a partner.

Personality and emotions

Architects define themselves by their trust, their logic and their extraordinary decisions, but all of this hides a turbulent substructure - their emotions. For many architects, the concept of emotional expression is synonymous with irrationality and weakness, an expression of poor self-control and a fleeting opinion that can hardly withstand the constant light of factual truth.

People with the architect personality type take pride in remaining rational and logical at all times, and prefer honesty and straightforward information euphemisms and platitudes under almost all circumstances. In many ways, however, these qualities of coolness and distance are not the weapons of truth that they appear to be, but are shields that protect the inner emotions that architects feel. Indeed, because their emotions are such an underdeveloped tool, architects often feel them more strongly than many obviously emotional types because they simply haven't learned to control them effectively.

There is no truth that I fear

This is a challenging paradigm for architects, especially younger and more turbulent types who are less confident than they'd like to appear. These feelings contradict Architects' idea of ​​themselves as a role model for logic and knowledge, and they can go so far as to claim they have no emotions at all. This does not mean that individuals with the INTJ personality type should be viewed as cold-blooded and insensitive geniuses who live by the mantra and that they strive to equate emotions with weakness. Architects need to understand that this is not and never will be.

Older and more assertive architects are finding more useful ways to deal with their feelings. While they never get used to a truly public display of emotions, architects can learn to use them and channel them alongside their logic to achieve their goals. While this is seemingly contradictory, it can be done in a number of different ways.

First, architects are goal-oriented, with long-term ideas based on solid logic. When something evokes an emotional response, good or bad, that energy can be used to further those goals and to support rational and predetermined plans. Second, emotions are figurative canaries in the coal mine, indicating that something is off, even if logic cannot yet see it. These feelings can help architects use their logic to ask questions they may not have thought of. “That is shocking. Why? What can be done to solve the problem? "

Ask with boldness

Emotions are not the way architects make decisions, but rather an indication that a decision needs to be addressed. The thinking (T) of the architect personality acts like a protective big brother for their feeling (F) - since something has annoyed the less capable sibling, it steps in to act, lets the logic speak and solves the problem.

However, there is a time when logic is just the wrong tool when there is no sensible solution to a problem, and it is in those situations that architects need to use its Feel (F) property. Architects would do well to practice this from time to time, or at least be aware of it, because however they try, it is impossible to really separate emotions from the decision-making process. The fact is, architects have deep feelings, and that makes them better, not worse.

Romantic relationships

In romanticism, architects approach things the way they do most situations: they put together a series of calculated actions with a predicted and desirable end goal - a healthy long-term relationship. Rather than throwing themselves into a whirlwind of passion and romance, architects identify potential partners who meet certain criteria, break them down into a series of measurable milestones, and execute the plan with clinical precision.

In a purely rational world, this is a foolproof methodology - but in reality it ignores important details that architects will reject prematurely, such as human nature. Architects are brilliant and intellectual develop a world in their heads that is more perfect than reality. People entering this world have to fit that fantasy, and it can be incredibly difficult for architects to find someone to do the job. Needless to say, finding a compatible partner is the biggest challenge for most architects.

Politeness is artificial, good humor

Feeling, tradition and emotion are the architects' Achilles heel. Social standards such as chivalry are viewed by architects as stupid or even degrading. The problem is, these standards evolved as a means of facilitating relationship creation, the management of expectations, the foundation of personal relationships. The architects' tendency to be openly honest in word and deed tends to violate this social contract, which makes love relationships particularly difficult for them.

More mature architects will recognize these factors as relevant and incorporate pace and emotional availability into their plans. The mean time, however, can be dangerous, especially for more turbulent architects - if they're shot down too often, they can conclude that everyone else is just too irrational for them. If cynicism prevails, architects could fall into the trap of deliberately displaying intellectual arrogance and making loneliness rather than choice.

Always stay cool

The positive side of architects “giving up” is that they are most attractive when they are not trying to be attractive but working in a familiar environment where their confidence and intelligence can be seen in action. Allowing others to come to them is often an architect's best strategy. When they see potential for the relationship, they will spare no effort to develop and maintain stability and long-term satisfaction.

As relationships develop, INTJ's partners find an imaginative and enthusiastic companion who will share their world while granting a high degree of independence and trust. While architects may never be comfortable enough to express their feelings and spend more time theorizing about intimacy than engaging in it, they can always rest assured that a mutually beneficial solution will be found for any situation.
Architects seek strong, deep relationships and trust their knowledge and logic to ensure the partner is both intellectually and physically satisfied.

When it comes to emotional satisfaction, architects are simply out of their element. Not every partner shares the fun that architects find in dealing with conflicts and emotional needs as puzzles that have to be analyzed and solved. Sometimes emotions need to be expressed for their own sake, and putting every outburst under the microscope isn't always helpful. If emotional outbursts become a habit or the architects think they might, they are perfectly capable of simply ending the relationship.

Truth and morality

Architects are confusingly deep and intelligent people who bring stability and insight into their romantic relationships. you appreciate honest, open communication, and all factors in the relationship are open to discussion and changebut this needs to be reiterated. Architects do what they see fit, and that is sometimes cold. It is important to know that architects do not make these decisions lightly. They spend tremendous amounts of time and energy trying to understand why and how things go wrong, especially when they are indulged in the relationship and they suffer deeply when relationships fall apart.

The challenge is to find partners who share the same values. While Intuitive (N) types are uncommon, they can be a must-have for many architects, as sharing this property creates an immediate sense of belonging. One or two balancing traits like Extraversion (E), Feeling (F) or Prospecting (P) can help keep a relationship dynamic and growth-oriented by keeping the architects in touch with other people and keeping in touch with their emotions alternative potentials.


People with the INTJ personality type tend to be more successful in developing friendships than in romantic relationships, but they still suffer from a lot of setbacks and replace emotional availability with rational processes. This intellectual distance means that architects do not bother to get involved with someone who, in their opinion, is not on their level. Overcoming these hurdles is often almost impossible without the immediate connection made possible by sharing the intuitive property (N).

Nobody will complain about lack of time, who never waste time

Architects tend to set opinions about what works, what doesn't, what they're looking for and what doesn't. These discriminatory preferences can seem arrogant, but the architects would simply claim that this is a basic filtering mechanism that allows them to focus their attention where they are doing best. The fact is that architects looking more for an intellectual soulmate in friendship than anything else, and those who don't fit into this type of relationship are just boring. Architects need to exchange ideas - a self-nourishing circle of gossip about mutual friends is not a social life for them.

Architects will keep in touch with a few good friends and avoid larger circles of acquaintances because of the lack of depth and quality.

If there were more than a few friends, it would also compromise the independence of the architects. They like to give up social recognition to ensure that freedom. Architects prefer friends who require little attention or care to have a good time and encourage the same independence in their friends.

When it comes to emotional support, architects are far from being a bastion of consolation. They actively suppress their own emotions with shields of rationality and logic and expect their friends to do the same. In emotionally charged situations, architects can literally have no idea how to deal with them appropriately, a stark contrast to their usual ability for decisive self-control and control.

But friendship is valuable

When they're in their comfort zone, architects have no problem relaxing and having fun among people they know and respect. Her sarcasm and dark humor aren't for the faint of heart, including those who have a hard time reading between the lines, but they make for fantastic storytelling among those who can keep up. This more or less restricts the pool of their friends to other types of analysts and diplomats, as observant (S) representations often frustrate both parties for easier and simpler communication.

It is not easy to become a good friend of one with architects. Instead of traditional rules for social behavior or common routine Architects have high expectations of intellectual ability, uncompromising honesty and a shared desire to grow and learn as sovereign individuals. Talented, bright, and developmental, architects expect and encourage their friends to share this attitude. Those who fail to do that are called boring - those who meet these expectations will appreciate them on their own and form a powerful and stimulating friendship that will stand the test of time.


Professional competence is often the area where architects shine most brilliantly. Your ability to digest difficult and complex theories and principles and translate them into clear and actionable ideas and strategies is unmatched by any other type. Architects are able to filter out the sound of a situation by identifying the core thread that needs to be pulled in order to solve the mess of others so that they can become beautifully entangled in something that is amazingly simple in function.

The real challenge for architects is that their innovative (and, for the less insightful, seemingly counterintuitive) ideas need to be listened to, and being friendly with those in authority is not exactly one of INTJ's core strengths. In their early careers, architects will often suffer from under-challenged and repeated rejection.

Architects will often find ways to automate routine and annoyingly boring tasks. With their natural self-confidence, their commitment and their creative intelligence, they develop the complexity and freedom they desire.

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Where is my drawing board?

Architects prefer to work alone or in small groups, where they can maximize their creativity and concentrate without being repeatedly interrupted by colleagues and meeting-loving superiors. For this reason, architects are unlikely to be found in strictly administrative roles or in any area that requires constant dialogue and intense teamwork. Architects tend to prefer a "lone wolf" position. They only accept competent leadership that supports these goals and reject the authority of those who hold them back.

Their independent demeanor and relentless demand for competence mean that architects absolutely loathe those who advance because of social skills or political connections. Architects have exceptionally high standards, and if they consider a colleague or supervisor to be incompetent or ineffective, respect is instantly and permanently lost. Architects value personal initiative, determination, insight and dedication and believe that everyone should complete their work to the highest possible standards.

Shy people prefer quiet

As their career advances and their reputation grows, so does the complexity of their tasks and projects. Architects demand progress and development, new challenges and theories. They often do this by taking on more active strategic positions. While they don't care about the limelight, they will often excel in influential but low-profile jobs such as project managers, systems engineers, marketing strategists, systems analysts, and military strategists.

However, the architects' vision, creativity and skill in executing their plans enable them to have practically any career that requires them to think about what they are doing. While some careers, such as B. Salesperson and secretary, obviously not playing to their strengths, architects can build a niche in almost any institution, including their own, on which they focus.

INTJ personality - conclusion

With a strong mind and strategic thinking, architects can overcome obstacles that seem insurmountable to most. At the same time, its many quirks, such as the often unlimited rationalism, lead to many misunderstandings.

I am Swiss and I was born in 1977. I am affected by ÄvPS, so I have an anxiety-avoiding personality disorder. I have almost twenty years of therapy experience with different therapists and methods. My greatest resource is my thirst for knowledge.