How do I romanticize my girlfriend

Relationships: No More Romance!

If you ask around in your circle of friends, one thing seems very clear: love should burn very hot even after a few years in a committed relationship, and you have to work hard for that. “We're going to a romantic hotel in Tyrol next weekend,” my friend Tina tells me, stirring her drink enthusiastically. “So with the wellness area and rose petals in the bathtub. That was Michael's gift for the anniversary. ”I stir my drink as well and remember that my better half and I ate up a Chinese All You Can Eat buffet for our last anniversary. I'm not ashamed of that. You can cover your weekly calorie requirement with spring rolls once a year.

Tina even bought new underwear for the weekend and made a juice treatment so that she could fit into said underwear. “You can make an effort from time to time,” she says. "Yes, but why only once a year?" I say. Tina is offended. “You are unromantic. Rituals are important in a relationship. Otherwise you fall into such a stupid daily routine. ”She rolls her eyes and tips the rest of her caipi down. "You should let your heart guide you more."


Rich feeling and longing


Basically I prefer to let my stomach guide me, which is why the boozy evening ends at McDonald’s, but I can’t get Tina's words out of my head. So more romance should make life more worth living. What does that actually mean? Wikipedia only refers me to the epoch of the same name, but explains in a subordinate clause: “In common parlance, the words denote romance and romantic today mostly a sentimental state of richness of feeling, perhaps also of longing. "

Based on that, the question arises to me: who the hell brings more feelings? This world is already completely over-romanticized anyway. Visits to the flea market to get hold of a unique coffee table, hours of preserving fruit for homemade jam, small pendants with curly ones HandmadeLettering. Self-crocheted hats for winter, self-made dresses for summer - stop, grandma's ruffled dress fits, even better! - it all practically screams “Emotions! Houston, we need more emotions! "


Qualitative potentiation


Incidentally, Novalis has already asked for this. The German early romantic started with himself, conjured up the pretty artist name Novalis from his rather clumsy maiden name Friedrich von Hardenberg and then wrote: “The world must be romanticized. So you can find the original meaning again. Romanticizing is nothing more than a qualitative potentiation. The lower self is identified with a better self in this operation. By giving the common a lofty meaning, the ordinary a mysterious appearance, the known the dignity of the unknown, the finite an infinite appearance, I romanticize it - the opposite is the operation for the higher, the unknown, the mystical, the infinite, it gets one common expression. "

That was around 1800. Today you can’t avoid emotional fuss. In a relationship, it is almost a good thing to have a bathtub with your sweetheart from time to time, light candles and listen to Eros Ramazotti's sleazy toothless. Qualitative potentiation. It's so romantic! A friend of mine filled the apartment with bouquets of roses for his loved one at the time and laid a candle trail by the bed, on which a bottle of bubbly and chocolate-covered strawberries lay. That was on the second date. I'm pretty sure that he closed the bag back then because the synapses of most women collapse with so much romance, but seriously: is that necessary? Isn't an honest “Baby, I want to have a whole family pizza with you and a full season House of Cards look through “much, much nicer?


Something like drug addiction


"I think that the addiction to romance and authenticity, like any kind of addiction, leads to a lot of suffering and no lasting satisfaction," says the historian Christian Saehrendt in Psychology Today. “It's actually like a drug addiction or gambling addiction. You seem to have come a little closer to a real experience, your real identity, but the satisfaction about it doesn't last long. Because authenticity or genuineness are absolute terms, in principle inhuman because they are not compatible with everyday life. Romanticism already has an aspect that is hostile to life. ”Saehrendt has a book with the title Emotional times: the compulsive longing for the real and was actually on the other side of the coin at first.

“At the beginning of the research for my book, I was still prone to romance. I thought: something must be done about this rationalization of the world. You have to stand by your feelings. You have to break out of a world that is becoming more and more legalized and overruled. But as soon as I got into the topic of romance, I realized that it was a lot of nonsense and that the neo-romantic surge creates more problems than it solves problems. ”The authenticity that is sought often falls by the wayside. “With some wedding couples, you can already see that they will soon be divorced, but they still pull off the romantically styled wedding in white. Perhaps there is also a kind of defiance that one suspects failure, but says I still want to have experienced this one moment. "

Romance arises from the moment. And it's in the little things. A I love you on the summit of Kilimanjaro can be as romantic as one I love you brushing their teeth together in front of the bathroom mirror. And spontaneity probably plays an important role too - I don't think you can plan romance. Tense treasure-we-have-to-be-romantic-now-clinging in the petal-filled bathtub is an absolute turn-off. But a pizza and cuddle-intensive evening with your favorite person and a shared Netflix account? The is romantic.



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Image source: Greg Rakozy under CC0 1.0