How do you cure your emotional unavailability

10 signs of an emotionally unavailable partner

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If you've ever been in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable, you know the pain of not being able to get close to the one you love. They evade, make excuses, or are simply unable to talk about feelings or the relationship. Some use anger, criticism, or activity to create distance. You end up feeling alone, depressed, unimportant, or rejected. Usually women complain about emotionally unavailable men. However, many are unaware that they are also emotionally unavailable. Getting involved with someone who is unavailable (think Mr. Big and Carrie Bradshaw) obscures your problem so that you cannot deny your own unavailability.

There are different types of unavailability - both temporary and chronic. Some people were always unreachable in childhood due to mental illness and / or problems. Others temporarily prioritize a relationship, e.g. B. a family obligation. Education, a project or a health problem. People who have recently been divorced or widowed may be temporarily unwilling to get involved with a new person. In the middle are those who are too afraid of falling in love because they were hurt by one or more relationships, including being hurt by a parent when they were a child. Often times, these different reasons for unavailability overlap and it is difficult to determine whether the problem is chronic or will pass.

If you are looking for a close, committed relationship, a person who lives in another state, is married, or is still in love with another person is not going to be there for you. Likewise, addicts, including workaholics, are not available because their addiction is the priority and it controls them. Still others appear to be available and speak openly about their feelings and their past. They don't realize until you're already in a relationship that they are unable to connect emotionally or make a commitment.

Here is a list of more subtle red flags that can indicate unavailability, especially when several add up. They apply to both sexes. The following are questions to ask yourself in order to find out if you are ready for an engaging relationship.

1. Flirt with flattery. Some unavailable people are too flattering. Like snake charmers, these advertisers can also be skilled listeners and communicators. Often good intimacy short term, some seduce with self-disclosure and vulnerability, but prefer hunting over catching.

2. Control. Someone who is comfortable with changing their routine. Engagement phobias are usually inflexible and abhor compromise. Relationships revolve around them.

3. Disclosure. Your date might suggest, or even admit, that he or she is not good at relationships, or does not believe in anything, or is not ready for marriage. Listen to these negative facts and believe them. Ignore vulnerabilities, bragging rights, and compliments.

4. The past. Find out if the person had a long-term relationship and why it ended. You may learn that previous relationships ended at the stage where intimacy normally develops.

5. Seekers of perfection. These people seek and find a fatal mistake on the contrary having sex and then moving on. The problem is they are afraid of intimacy. When they cannot find imperfection, fear increases. In time, they will find an excuse to end the relationship. Don't try to believe that you are better than your previous partners.

6. Anger. Note the rudeness to waiters and others who can reveal pent-up anger. This type of person is demanding and likely to be emotionally abusive.

7. Arrogance. Avoid someone who is bragging and cocky and giving a low signal of self-respect. It takes trust to be intimate and committed.

8. Delay. Chronic lateness is reckless and can also indicate that the person is avoiding relationships. However, don't assume that being on time means it's a catch.

9. Invasiveness or evasive maneuvers. For example, secrecy, evasive maneuvers, or inappropriate questions about money or sex too soon can indicate a hidden agenda and unwillingness to allow a relationship to flourish. Conversely, someone may hide their past due to shame, which can be an obstacle to rapprochement.

10. Seduction. Beware of premature sexual cues. Seducers avoid authenticity because they don't believe they are enough to keep a partner. Once the relationship is real, they will sabotage it. Seduction is a power game and is about conquest.

Most people reveal their emotional availability early on. Pay heed to the facts, especially when there is mutual attraction. Even if the person appears to be Mr. or Mrs. Right when emotionally unavailable, all you have left is pain. If you overlook, deny, or rationalize to avoid short-term disappointment, you run the risk of long-term misery.

Also, be honest about your own availability:

1. Are you angry at the opposite sex? Do you like or enjoy hearing jokes at your expense? In this case, you may need to heal from previous wounds before you can approach anyone.

2. Do you make excuses for not getting together?

3. Do you think you are so independent that you don't need anyone?

4. Are you afraid of falling in love because you might get hurt?

5. Do you always wait for the other shoe to fall? Although people complain about their problems, many find it even more difficult to accept what is good.

6. Are you suspicious? Perhaps you have been cheated or lied to in the past and are now looking for it in everyone.

7. Do you avoid intimacy by filling quiet times with distractions?

8. Do you feel uncomfortable talking about yourself and your feelings? Do you have secrets that you are ashamed of and that you find undesirable or unpopular?

9. Do you usually keep your options open in case someone better comes along?

10. Do you fear that a relationship will have too many expectations of you, that you will give up your independence, or that you will lose your autonomy?

Source: George Hodan, public domain

If you answered yes to some of these questions, counseling can help you heal, to take the risk of getting close. When you're dealing with someone who is emotionally unavailable, putting pressure on him or her to be more intimate is counterproductive. You may be involved with a narcissist because narcissists usually avoid emotional vulnerability. Marriage or couple counseling can change the dynamic and help you have a more fulfilling, intimate relationship.