What is the full form of the father

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From Anita Zulauf

Too often mothers prevent their child from continuing to maintain a loving relationship with the father after they have lost their love. How they proceed and what it does to a child is explained in this article using the example of Noah's story. He is six years old. He loves his father. But he doesn't want to see him anymore. The story of an alienation.

Interrupt alienation

It is imperative for the mental health of children to break the alienation and re-establish contact with the estranged parent. Various studies have shown this. Be it through prescribed mediation, parent-child reunification programs or, in the extreme case, through a change of custody. The studies show that the children soon reconnected emotionally with the rejected parent. The reawakened parent-child relationship was described by those affected as “much better” to “again very good”.

Noah doesn't look up when his father walks into the living room. His fingers fly swiftly over the console, racing cars roar across the screen. It's been two weeks since father was last there. When he now sits down next to him, Noah * slips away a little. When asked how he is doing and whether it is nice in kindergarten, he answers with “good” and “mhm”. "We have to go right away," says the mother. «Are you getting dressed? Or do you want to go with Papi? " Noah has not wanted that for a long time. He gets up and does what his mother asked him to do. The father looks tired. Noah's dog is lying on a cozy blanket on the floor, he is chewing a stuffed animal with his teeth. Both the blanket and the stuffed animal were gifts for Noah. From the father. When you say goodbye, there is no hug or kiss. Not even a buddy pat on the back. Noah evades, avoids any body contact. The father leaves the apartment. "See you soon," he calls out to Noah. No reaction.

A year ago everything was different. Noah fell on his neck when he came to pick him up. He hopped from one leg to the other. "What shall we do today?" On dad days we often went outside. They made fires, ran through streams, played hide and seek. He held his father's hand with red cheeks and sweaty hair. Together they went to the little "men's shack", as they called their father's apartment. They cooked spaghetti and spent the evening playing games or watching TV. "Best papa in the world" wrote Noah on a drawing with crude handwriting and typing errors. Underneath, he painted a tall man with dark hair. "Papa" is written there. "Noah" under the boy with the curly blond hair. They tack the drawing to the refrigerator door with magnets. It still hangs there today. Noah hasn't been here in a long time. What remains is emptiness. Memory. Pain. Sadness. Helplessness. Anger.

This is a serious form of child psychological abuse.

Every year 500 to 700 children are alienated from one parent. According to Kokes, the conference for child and adult protection, around 12,400 children are divorced or separated every year. About five percent of them are highly controversial. In such cases, alienation often takes place, around 90 percent through the mother. The reasons why a child turns away from a beloved parent can, according to the child protection organization Switzerland Kisos Feelings of guilt, conflicts of loyalty and fear of loss be. The child is at the center of the parental conflict, thinks it is the cause of the argument and blames himself for it. It experiences contradicting feelings. It wants to see both parents. But if he expresses his feelings ("I want to see Papa"), he is afraid of hurting the mother, making her sad and / or losing her. The child takes on the feelings of the parent with whom it is more common. It splits off from the parent living outside, also out of self-protection.

Noah was not a desired child. But the parents love the baby. The mother is fully absorbed in her task, the father goes to work. She doesn’t trust the man to do anything, she’s just as much a part of the diaper changing as she’s playing. All efforts to do something with Noah alone come to nothing. When there is a conflict, she slams the door. After the breakup, she doesn't allow him to take him home. The father visits the child at her home. The Kesb decides for father and son, First of all, she has to stay for several hours every other Saturday. From kindergarten age, Noah spends every second full weekend with dad. Noah is an easy going kid. Laughing, fooling around, climbing trees, the father usually ahead. The boy likes that. "No, mom, I don't want to go home, I'll be back tomorrow," says Noah. The mother insists on the regular calls on dad weekends. "Yes, I like it ... we just play ... I love you too ... yes, if something happens, I'll call." When the father brings the child back, there is a present from the mother.

The mother has a second child. Noah should also say papi to the new partner. After all, they are a complete family now. Noah sees how his father is offended when a "papi" slips out and he means the other man. The child psychologist will later say that Noah doesn't know who to say papi to.

In the case of parent-child alienation, it can A distinction is made between induced alienation, also called parent alienation (PA), and parent-child alienation (EKE). With PA, psychological abnormalities such as severe narcissistic and / or borderline personality disorders, traumatic childhood experiences, paranoid processing of the divorce crisis and / or psychoses can often be identified in the manipulative caregiver. PA was approved by WHO in June 2018 officially recognized as a mental disorder of the caring parent.

EKE often arises from disputes between parents over months and years about the right of custody and custody. Parents are no longer able to separate the couple level from the parent level; frustrations, anger and hurts often play a role. Wilfrid von Boch-Galhau, psychiatrist and psychotherapist in Würzburg (D), describes alienation and breaking off contact with a parent as a "serious form of psychological child abuse"

The negative spiral turns slowly, insidiously. Although the time they spend together is still good, Noah no longer wants to stay with his father. The mother picks him up. "I don't force my child to do anything, Noah can decide for himself," she says to the ex-husband. And to Noah: "You can come home anytime." Noah is no longer available when the father wants to pick him up. Sometimes he's not even home. Sometimes he is really happy when his father comes. "Come on, let's go pack," says his mother and goes into the room with him. Then Noah comes out crying: "I don't want to come with you." Sometimes the mother cuddles the baby while Noah packs his things. Mother never says "don't go". But more and more often the father goes home alone. "Noah can decide," says the mother repeatedly. And: "Nobody can force you." She values ​​free development, she says. Your children should grow up without constraints.

In the statement for the Kesb, the mother explains that she always has a positive effect on NoahShe also doesn't know why he doesn't want to go to his father anymore. Maybe something happened there?

According to psychiatrist Wilfrid von Boch-Galhau, it is a typical feature that the alienator refers to the child's will and to his or her autonomous decision. «A child should decide whether it wants to visit the father or not. Absolutely overwhelming. Such decisions should not be expected of a child », says Bruno Roelli, former family judge in Lucerne (see interview). Usually normal, often competent parents and not abusive or abusive parents would be rejected.

Then comes the bang. At least that's how it feels to the father. Like an explosion inside. He was gone for three weeks, on vacation with his new partner. After that, Noah no longer looks at him, avoids his gaze. Look for the mother's. As soon as the father shows up, the child cries, is visibly stressed, and no longer wants to come along. He evades the greeting kiss. He no longer speaks to the father. The mother strokes the child's head comfortingly. Once the father is so exhausted that he cries in front of the child. The mother mentions the incident in her statement for the Kesb. The father is warned not to do this.

Due to the behavior of highly contentious parents, the loss of contact with one of the parents and repeated, traumatic experiences, children can, according to Kisos suffer from the following disorders: Concentration problems such as ADHD, attachment and trust disorders, reduced self-esteem, headache and stomach ache, diarrhea, sleep disorders, anxiety, feelings of guilt, conscience and, in adulthood, severe mental and psychosomatic disorders, eating disorders, addictions and problems in relationships with one's own children.

This Saturday becomes the symbol of the slow death of a loving father-son relationship. It is as if the father were air for the child he loves. He can hardly stand it. But he continues on the dad weekends. To see Noah. Maybe he'll come with you today? Although he always logs in, everyone pretends he's not there. An uninvited guest, this father, to whom nothing is offered so that he will leave soon. Anyway, they have to go straight away, go shopping, visit relatives. Something is always. The father skipped a Saturday twice last year. The mother wrote in the report to the Kesb: "His interest in the child is not constant."

Neither Noah nor his mother can be reached by phone. When he announced his visit on Noah's birthday via WhatsApp, Noah sends a voice message: "Dad, I don't want you to come." He goes anyway. Gives a quarter of an hour to unpack the presents together with the child. Noah is finally laughing again, happy about football. Then there is cake. The father has to go.

The Kesb has set up an assistance. One wants the relationship with the father to be able to be rebuilt: "The focus is on the child's well-being." The psychologist wants to organize a reunion of father and child. But the mother repeatedly misses an agreed appointment. Noah is sick, she says. Another time, another date intervened. Weeks, months go by. Time without dad.