Why do I keep hurting people

Why do the people you love the most hurt you?

You may also have asked yourself why the people you love hurt you. Is there an explanation for this? Read on and find out!

Last update: August 22, 2020

There is a cold that you can feel deep inside. It is that painful coldness that you feel deep inside you when someone does not think about you, neglects you, suddenly says hurtful words to you or does something unexpected that offends you. Why hurt you the people you love the most?This question, as surprising as it may seem, many people ask themselves in the course of their lives.

British poet George Granville said that no pain is more devastating than the pain caused by love. In many ways, this couldn't be truer and people put a lot of emotional energy into such connections. We need this daily support because closeness builds roots and affection creates a feeling of connection and trust. You need all of these to feel safe and valued in your relationships.

When your world is shattered with emotions and affection, it can sometimes be even more painful than a physical wound. Or maybe you just expect too much from the people around you. Many people wonder if that is the case. However, there is one crucial aspect that you need to understand.

Every social and affective connection is the result of an unwritten agreement in which pain is not part of the expectation. This principle applies to family relationships between parents and their children and among siblings. Additionally, you also expect your partner not to cheat on you or do anything that hurt you could. The same goes for the people we consider good friends.

We want to go into this topic in more detail below.

Why do the people you love the most hurt you?

Manuel Hernández Pacheco, psychologist and biologist at the University of Málaga, wrote a book in 2019 called ¿Por qué la gente a la que quiero me hace daño? (in German: Why do the people I love hurt me?). He has addressed this issue from a neurological perspective, focusing on the concept of affection, especially in the youth population.

As social beings, people above all need meaningful connections. You need healthy bonds in order to feel good, adequately deal with stress, and feel part of a group. All of this is vital especially during childhood and adolescence.

When a child feels rejected and wonders why the very people they love the most are hurting them, they will experience such intense psychological pain that it can even cause trauma. Doctor Pacheco also examined the reasons why people who have experienced painful relationships are unable to escape this devastating cycle in order to boost their self-esteem.

However, there are no specific answers to these questions. Yet, behind the effects of the pain that occurs when loved ones hurt you, lies the why.

Those who believe that “in love and in war everything is lawful”

Some people believe that there are no limits, no consequences, and anything goes when it comes to affection. These people believe that no matter what they do, they will always be forgiven.

An example for these types of people is a friend who will reveal your secrets to other people and be sure that you will not be angry about them. Plus, it could be a partner making decisions for both of you without asking you first.

These people act like this because they assume that you will automatically agree to their every decision. However, they forget that Love too of conditions because affection requires mutual respect and daily attention.

Why the people you love hurt you

If you're wondering why the people you love the most hurt you, ask yourself whether they are even aware that they are causing you harm. And this is not a trivial question. Some people close to you may say and do negative things without even realizing them. This is undoubtedly a big problem.

An example of this could be a mother or father who is always aware of one child's achievements and completely ignores the other child's. All of this could even happen unconsciously without them even realizing the harmful effects of this behavior.

In addition, there is another crucial aspect. If you don't Sets limits or does not make people understand what you cannot tolerate, it could happen that they continue to hurt you, without being aware of it.

When you expect too much from others, it works against you

As we mentioned at the beginning, every social connection consists of an implicit pact that says you shouldn't hurt the other and vice versa. This is a fundamental principle of coexistence and respect.

So, if you keep asking yourself why the people you love the most hurt and you often feel hurt, then the problem may be with you.

  • For example, codependent relationships can keep you trapped in a cycle of pain and need. You may even be aware that this relationship is causing you suffering. However, your addiction and dependence on the other person makes you feel like you need to stay by their side.
  • Additionally, low self-esteem could also be the reason you always feel hurt in relationships. Maybe you need a lot and long for the attention, love and appreciation from others that you do not allow yourself. This is an endless source of pain because if you are never satisfied, then nothing is ever good enough.

Final thoughts

If you keep wondering why loved ones hurt you, there are several options you should consider and weigh. First, are these relationships worth the pain they cause you? Second, you may also need to work on and strengthen your self-esteem and self-concept. Remember that you should never settle for a love that hurts you.

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