How can I keep my best friend

How can you be friends again after making love?

Nadja's face has turned a remarkable red. The kind of red some people use to talk about sex. Sex of the it-was-really-good kind. Nadja slept with Christoph. And that is remarkable because Christoph is not just anyone, but one of her closest friends.

A friend of the We-have-really-known-us-for-so-long kind. The two have already experienced so much together that they could tell each other memories for days. You have already talked about the most intimate. Love, and often sex. And now they slept together.

Friends with benefits

Nadja saved somewhere in the back room that it might not be okay. Sensitive, somehow. A forbidden fruit. Because sex with a close friend can evoke feelings of a different kind. Romantic feelings. This is why so many believe that sex with friends cannot go well: there are friends and there are partners. Either ... or.

Sex between friends can go well

“I just really like Christoph,” explains Nadja, “and I've thought often enough that we would actually fit together perfectly as a couple. But there was never anything between us. ”And so she was surprised when something happened:“ We just wanted to say goodbye and, I don't know, all of a sudden we snogged. And I asked myself briefly if that was a good idea, but then we’ll just go to him. "

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And the two slept together. Very familiar, as Nadja thinks. The next morning they both had to laugh and joke around. Only when saying goodbye, when Christoph got serious again and took Nadja's face between his hands: “Oh, Nadja. I'm not in love with you. "Nadja would have laughed and said:" And then I had to grin like that again, also out of relief. 'I'm not into you either!' ”And then, as if to seal not being in love, they would have snogged again.

Sounds kind of nice, as Nadja says about it. Sounds kind of healthy too. Sounds like good sex with a balanced conscience. And it doesn't sound like their friendship needs to be worried about. In other words, both-and-instead of either-or. Or are they both kidding themselves?

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The psychologist Christine Geschke weighs it down. Sex between friends could work without any collateral damage. After all, what happened between the two is also obvious. Because basically someone who currently has no love affair, but still wants to have sex, can sleep with a good friend: “Because he is familiar to you and the friendly relationship has been reliable, at least so far. It is assumed that the friendship will be able to endure such "escapades". "

Trust opens doors to better sex

“You know each other well and you have the courage to deal with such a sensitive topic. And then perhaps also dares to boldly name things in sexuality and to communicate wishes that you would otherwise not express, ”says Christine Geschke.

Sounds pretty perfect, so you could actually tick this special friendship service: No problem, so go ahead! But there are always cases in which it doesn't work.

There is no basis for short-term friendships

Ben and Lena hadn't known each other that long, but they were good friends, they felt close to each other. So close that, as Ben remembers, it almost inevitably happened. They slept together. That went well for a while, but then it went pretty bad. The two had agreed on sex as an exception, but how it is: You can make rules for everything, but not for feelings.

Friendships don't have to break.

Ben wanted more. First he gave Lena the space they had agreed on. But then it became too much for him. He wanted Lena, and had been for a long time, no longer just as a friend. And Lena, who had accepted the arrangement more or less in good faith, had to pull the rip cord: The friendship cooled off. There was no other way.

Christine Geschke explains that such arrangements work primarily for friendships that have been around for a long time: “Friendships don't have to break. This has also been proven through studies. Old friendships often find their way back to their old form. Because friendship has such a quality that it survives a "disruptive factor". You get back together at the previous, familiar level. ”In the case of short-term friendships, on the other hand, there is often a lack of common ground.

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If you still want to get involved in sex with friends, you should at best consider a few points beforehand: “An open conversation would be advisable if you don't want to leave it to chance. That everyone expresses their thoughts beforehand and says what is okay and what is not. That you also discuss beforehand what you do when someone falls in love. The more transparent the agreements, the more successful it can be, ”says Christine Geschke.

Friendship turns into love

Speaking of falling in love. It cannot be ruled out that this happens to both sides. It can be good, according to Geschke, that you secretly find a friend attractive anyway: “It also happens unconsciously or just below the limit of consciousness. You feel drawn, but you don't yet realize that it is no longer a purely friendly attraction. "

Relationships based on friendship are often incredibly durable.

If this feeling then comes to light and meets with love, the relationship actually has really good chances: "Relationships based on friendship are often incredibly durable."

But it is important to meet on an emotional level. Like Nadja and Christoph. The two elegantly circumvented the disappointment trap by assessing their own feelings and those of the other well enough. It's been a few months since you last had sex. Their friendship, both of which are certain, has not done any harm to them. “I can tell from it,” says Nadja, “that I'm not jealous at all. Christoph recently met a woman and I'm genuinely happy for him. "